Fear and loathing

“There was madness in any direction, at any hour. You could strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense that whatever we were doing was right, that we were winning.” ~ Raoul Duke, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

Drug induced bravado and paranoia aside, what Raoul says represents the universal state I’d really like to find myself in at any given time while I’m working. When you’re surrounded by all these brilliantly technical people, however, there’s a certain amount of…I’ll call it trepidation. You might call it simple anxiety.

But I’m told by “people in the know”¹ that it’s really called imposter’s syndrome.² Which, when it comes right down to it is really just a fancy name for “fear.” Fear of being found out as a fake and knowing that everyone around you is somehow the real deal and you’re just playing at it. Or somehow you’ve just been incredibly lucky to get the things done that you’ve gotten done, either by being in the right place at the right time or simply “guessing” what the right response will be. I mean, it was a fluke, right? It couldn’t possibly happen again.

You know, there’s more that I could list here, but again, what it really comes down to is fear. And you know what?

Fear is a filthy, damned liar.³

Listen up! Every time you find yourself on the wrong side of that fantastic universal sense of right and winning that Raoul talks about? You repeat that to yourself. “FEAR IS A FILTHY, DAMNED LIAR.” Shout it, if you need to. Do whatever the hell you possibly can to get away from that bastard.

Realize you’ve done some awesome things. You’re not just lucky. At some point, you’ve got to accept the fact that you really did something cool. And it started with when you accepted the job offer or made the decision to go to the technical training. It didn’t just happen. YOU made the choice. YOU were in charge and accepted the job offer. Go you!

And those people who hired you? They didn’t just scatter shot invites and hope for the best. They CHOSE you to work with them. We’re talking serious money, here, girlfriend. This is tech. They don’t just randomly throw it around. Remember that word “investment”? That’s you. You’re an investment. Startups don’t invest in idiots. Startups that do simply don’t last long. You’re here. You’re awesome.

Know that you’re you. You’re not them. Stop comparing yourself to the other dudes.⁴ It’s just too damned easy to fall into the trap, so just stop. You can’t live their life. They can’t live yours. Only you can live yours. And honestly, those “successful” people that you keep trying to compare yourself to? They’re successful because they got up and did something. They fell down and did something. They succeeded and failed ON THEIR OWN. But they did something.

Here’s a secret: You’ve already learned this lesson. Maybe it was by actually learning to walk as a child. You got up, you fell down. You probably broke the family table and squashed the dog in the process a few times too. But you picked yourself up and tried again because you didn’t care. You just wanted to try and walk, right? You didn’t think, “Oh gosh I should be careful” or “What if I hurt Fido?” No, you just got up and did it. So do it again.

You’re awesome, right here and right now. Will you fall down again? Heck yeah. Will you fail on occasion? God I hope so.

In fact, I hope I fall down and fail with you. I could use a buddy to laugh with as I’m climbing back up to try again. Let’s do this.